Imagine coming home from work/business trip to find your home empty.  Wife/Husband gone, children gone, no dear Jane/John; not even a phone call, just gone; key doesn’t work and new people live in what you thought was your home.  Imagine sharing a life with a person, I mean home, food, cars, bank accounts; only for them to clean out the account and take the car with gas in it.  Leave no note, no discussion, with no warning, and no note. Leave you and your children basically destitute to live in the broke down car with no gas… How foul is that…?

Imagine living with a person for ten years, spending a year together planning a wedding; leaving the house together the day of your wedding and the bride/groom never showing up at the church.

Imagine all that you have ever known, loved, admired, trusted, worked for, worked with, all you have ever wanted and dreamed of now being taken away from you.  What would you do?  How would you feel? Could you ever trust the person again?  Was the person ever your real friend?  Did that person really love you?  Was there any sign you may have missed?  Was there something you may have done? Was there a reason why they didn’t feel they could talk to you? 

Some of you may not know and may never experience the feeling of having a life/rug snatched from underneath you.  But for those of you that know exactly what I am talking about, you know the feelings that go along with that. The hurt, sadness, the anger, resentment feeling the need to retaliate, maybe not just getting them back but getting even; and I’ll go ahead and say it, THE HATRED.  Even the nicest, sweetest person in the world has these feeling when don’t wrong. I’m sure it takes more effort to not turn into Rosanne’s ‘She Devil’. 

The fact of the matter is once we get past the initial shock of it all, the first thing most people do is make a list.  Some will make a list of the things they need to do to recover, and others will make a list of things they can do to destroy whom ever done them wrong.  Truth be told I think we all make a list of destruction, the difference being some of us never take it past that list.  But there are some that will cross over to the dark side.  I personally would cross over ever so briefly, but I scare myself so I’m not there long enough to actually do anything detrimental.  But what would you do it there was nothing to bring you back?

What would it take for you to cross over to the dark side, and what would it take to bring you back?  I can honestly tell you have had moments where I wasn’t sure I could make it out of may state of rage, but in other instances I was so calm and at peace; as if it was a blessing in disguise.  Now I don’t condone murder, but I can see how good people could do bad things in the heat of the moment and then be remorseful after. Or even road rage, I kind of understand that as well.  I don’t believe a man should ever hit a woman, but I have seen instances where it has happened unplanned when a person was pushed past their point.  I think every parent will do it at least once in their child’s life with out even thinking about it…LOL Scares the mess out of the parent and the child, but you better bet what ever the child did, it will never happen again.  And if you have more than one child, you won’t have to worry about snapping on the other ones; they will all think your crazy after the first one. And so will the neighborhood kids if you really loose it one good time. LOL

Now that’s just the victim’s point of view.  What makes a person steal from you, lie to you, leave there husband/wife/children, bail out on a friendship, and just do people wrong?  Do they really think its okay to just do these things without any ramifications?  Is any reason good enough to not have any dialog or explanation? Or is this considered a power move? … Coward’s move if you ask me… What kind of friend/family is that?...

Gangs don’t even fight over parts of town or colors anymore.  Not to justify it by any means… but colors and territory verses bandaids and a skating rink.  I don’t see my self fighting for a color or a block I don’t own, let alone fighting someone just because they wear bandaids on their face and like to hang out at the skating rink.  I tell you it was stupid then and it’s equally as stupid now.  It’s like watching a parody of the time a grew up in.

Even the high school I attended has had a face lift (well in the process of a face lift) It’s funny how things change and stay the same all at the same time.  When given enough time all things more or less change and stay the same.  Even people, you can know a person for years and one day learn something about them you never knew was in them.

Can you imagine how you would feel if your husband or wife, father, mother of 10+ years turned out to be a rapist or serial killer.  People learn these things about people in their lives everyday.  Even knowing it is a possiblity dosn’t curtail the shock any.  I’m not even going to lie I say I could even begin to imagine how those people feel when they learn the news.  I can, however, tell you how it feels when you find out that a person that you trust with your life and the lives of your children, your home, your car, and everything short of and maybe including your bank account; turns out to be a liar and thief. 

You would think after ten years you would know something like that, but when the revelation hits it makes you reflect on things you never gave a second thought too.  Like a parent, as the police are telling them the history they have with their child.  They always initially say they didn’t see any signs.  Or the grandmother you thought was doing fine, and now you find yourself cleaning out the medicine cabinet and packing up her belongings.

People let you see what they want you to see.  No life is an open book, despite what a person might say.  We always hold something back, some not even on purpose but almost like a safety device.  But when the rubber meets the road and you have to walk through the medel detector of life.  Don’t think you are going to get through it by just taking your keys out of your pocket when you have a gun at your ankle and hip, a knife in your back pocket and brass knuckles in your front pocket.  The alarm is going to sound!

It’s almost funny the things we hold on to, it’s like we choose to be in bondage by it and yet we feel we are saving someone else from it at the same time.  By the time you think you have a handle on it, you need to be saved from yourself.

No matter how hard you try, history does repeat itself.  Not because we didn’t learn from it, but because instead we hide and hold what we learn from eachother.  As much as you don’t want to be like your mother or father, without knowing why they are that way, you are almost garunteed to find your self doing something they did that you swore you would never do.  You can’t avoid something if you don’t know how it came to be.  You can never go the opposite direction enless you know exactly what path the other person took and why.  There are so many factors that make a person who they are, especially when it comes to that relative you don’t really care for, or that boss, or someone’s significant other.

Time will always change and people will always remain the same.  I don’t really know where all this came from becuase it was not my original thougt when I started.  I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write something in so long my mind is a bit jumbled with thoughts. 

When I started this entry I said at some point we should learn from our past. Life is a process, it has an order and a plan. The only way to live better, to have better, to be better is to follow the plan and stop cutting corners and taking short cuts.  We just cannot seem to take and follow directions.  No one wants to follow directions every one wants to be the leader and originator.  Let me reinterate this for people that didn’t get this the first time around.  THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN!!!  NO THING! ! !

I could go on, but I am going to try and get my self back into writing more regularly and it is my hope that I can clear out all that I have going on in my head so that I can focus on other things. And since no one really seems to be around these parts anymore.... More room for me ! ! ! LOL

For those of you that are still around… Love ya and miss ya! ! !

Yes, you heard, umm… read, correctly! Getting married! When? A month from today.
A month??!?!
Yes, one month.

Been engaged for 2 months, though - just haven’t really had time to write about it… had to get through the initial shock and awe

Oh - I should show you a picture of me and my future hubby, huh… this is MY favorite. He’s not too fond of it, he doesn’t like any of the pictures we took except for this next one i’ll list, but this one is MY favorite, and since i’m his princess… my favorite goes first

This is my favorite picture.

His favorite is this one

Either way, it’s still me and Michael… still together and still crazy after all these years.

We’ve been dating for 30 months now… he proposed on the 28 month anniversary of us being together.
Mind you, May 04 isn’t really our anniversary because I didn’t necessarily twist his arm and lock him down until June 2004… but that’s all semantics. HE remembers the anniversary date, then dangit, THAT’s the anniversary date.

I was completely oblivious the night he proposed… not until he was on one knee with the little white box in his hand looking up at me did I figure it out.

And at that, i still asked him what he was doing and if he was serious.
Then I yelled at him to get up… as the moment swirled around my head for a few minutes.

Eventually my mind and heart finished conferring and reminded me to say yes or no.
I said yes.
You can read the full story here
And I forewarn you--- if you don’t believe me that I didn’t see it coming… the pictures leading up to that night should solidify it for you… in the most direct way. I promise.

So aside from getting married… Michael joined the Army National Guard, and as of today - he’s been in Basic Training at Ft. Benning, Georgia for one whole week.

I got my first letter from him yesterday. It was great. I hope they send him home for Christmas. That’s the weekend we’re getting married.... December 23, 2006. Then he’ll go back to finish basic and be done probably in February or March.

We’re planning another reception Memorial Day, and I’m going to try and swing one during the weekend he graduates from Basic Training so that he can look FRESH in his Dress Blues.

anyway, I need to go do registry stuff… I’m trying to avoid being a Bridezilla - but I’m horrible at delegating.

Just a quick update on the happy side. I hope everyone else is doing well.

So the following Monday I am on the bus on my way to work and as I’m getting on I see a girl that I went to high school with.  She hangs her head down in hopes that I don’t see or recognize her.  It didn’t hit me till that moment, but the effect of ones past affects every one differently.

She was always very pretty and shy. Came from a really good family, parents were very strict.  I remember them well because we also attended the same church, and participated in a few auxiliaries together.  But in high school she ended up getting pregnant and her parents forcing her to marry the individual.  I know right, sounds like something from the 50’s, but this was in the late 80’s early 90’s.  I remember it was like watching the life being sucked out of her, as she became isolated from her peers.  She stayed in school through most of her pregnancy and so did her husband.  Even then you felt for her, and could see how one mistake completely changed here.  The people she would hang out with kinda left her stranded and the young man she married publicized the fact that it was forced and wished to continue to date other people at the school. And did!  I still don’t understand why, how or who.  I know if some guy I knew was married and had gotten another one of my classmate pregnant I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Especially knowing the circumstances.  Its not like we attended different schools.  But I guess it takes all kinds.

Now more than a decade later, you would think it wouldn’t bother her so much, if at all. She is still as pretty as she was back then, but now it seems that her once shy nature and past have become her badge of shame.  As we were sitting on this bus I wanted to speak but everything in her body language just said, don’t remind me.  I hadn’t noticed before, but as she was getting off the bus I noticed that she had luggage stored under her seat.  As she exited the bus we finally made eye contact.  I smiled to acknowledge that I remembered her, and again she hung her head and asked the driver for some directions and proceeded off the bus. 

Just sitting in reflection about the whole ride makes my heart hurt.  Knowing her from before and seeing her now on the bus.  I couldn’t stop the tears as the bus pulled off.  And even now, I don’t really know what happened after she left school and had the baby.  Shortly after, her family also left the church and this is the first I had seen of her.

All that brings me back to moments…..

There are moments that we share with each other.  Some are joyful, happy, and adventurous; others may be sad, painful and life changing.  I can not write this how I really feel.  I just don’t know how to really express it, but….. All the moments that you share with people around you, friends, family or even people you just care about.  Support them, encourage them, help them, or even just listen to them.  Never let any one you know become or feel isolated or alone.  Even if they say that want to deal with it alone, don’t stray too far away.  If you can’t be there to cushion the fall, be close enough to help them back up.

I can’t say that I could have changed anything that happened back then.  In fact, I’m sure I couldn’t have, but I know that had I been there like I now feel I should have; her head wouln’t have had to hang down and I wouldn’t have shead a tear.  We may not have ever been best friends or anything, but she wouldn’t have the shame and I wouldn’t have the pain.

I guess I am just reflecting on when 25 was a perfect age to have accomplished everything and anything over 30 was old…lol A time when you used to make pacts with your friends “ if we are both not married by 35, we will marry each other”….lol some of you know what I am talking about.  Everything seemed so simple to do, to plan; it all seemed so sensible and real.  And then it came, that pill. That dose of reality that hit you like pushing the button on a morphine drip. 

I just realized that every last person that I thought would be around forever has now escaped my life somehow.  Now the news I used to get first hand has now become something I have heard in passing.  Like when the person you used to eat lunch with has a beautiful little girl months ago, and you hear it through the grapevine.  Sure I understand the grow apart factor, but dang you don’t have to invite me to the baby shower or anything and email would have been nice.  Allow some one to mail you a bubblegum cigar that says “it’s a girl” something.  Call me sentimental, call me a pack rat, call me what ever you want to, but I still think some things about some people are important. Having children, getting married, graduations; all those things mean something.

Even my ex-husband calls and gives me updates on the family.  And even though we are no longer married and most times we cant stand each other, he knows that no matter what, when it comes to family I am there.  And I have known them a lot less time then most of the people I have in mind right now.

I guess it is one of those times when you wonder if you where holding on too tight or not tight enough.

To those who have gotten married, may God richly bless your union.  To those who have had children, keep in mind all the things that you have done growing up, laugh and most of all enjoy them, hug and nurture them while they will let you.  To those who have gotten divorced, don’t go out and do a bunch of ridiculous stuff cause you can, focus on what you really want in life and make it happen for yourself before you do a bunch of stuff that may hinder you from getting what you want.

Enjoy your life and the people you have in it.  Enjoy every moment you ever have with them.  Make it the most wonderful memory, like it will be your last because you never know when one may slip though.  You never know if that will be your last memory shared.

Nevermind that Islam believes in the teachings of Jesus and he is one of their most esteemed “prophets” next to Mohammed…

And nevermind that Islam is the OTHER side of Abraham’s seed because of Jacob & Esau’s issues - Islam & the muslim religion stem from Ishmael…

“We in the Christian world are accustomed to think of Abraham’s descendents in terms of Isaac, Jacob, and the Israelites. Many of us forget that through Abraham’s first-born son—Ishmael, whose name is translated as “God heareth”—another great nation developed which has also influenced the course of history.” (from the link above)

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)

“An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.
In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It’s been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Please keep this going!
Pass this around the World ?
Then pass it around again.
It says it all, for all of us

I was told that it wasn’t an A paper because it was lacking the “theoretical basis” for why I would propose such a program. It could be graded as it was, but it wasn’t an A paper. So i was like - bet… i’ll do the 3-4 page addendum to the joint and get the illmatic A and move on with life.

Well, life proceeded to drop kick me in the jaw the same week that the 3-4 page addendum was due and it didn’t get done. I figured as long as I didn’t get anything less than a B… i was straight… because it wouldn’t mess up my GPA too bad… plus it was my last class, 2000 miles away… i’m REALLY not trying to stress it like that.

I figured I’d log in today and see what kind of B i got on my paper, check out my GPA and see if i felt like pursuing any legal action at the moment. So I actually remembered my student number and logged into my account. Checked to see if my grade was up. And I had to look twice because I thought I was looking at the wrong semester…

yep.. summer 1… 2006.... MGT Proj/Internship… that’s all correct....

this is the grade I got?

an A-

are you for real???

an A-

c’mon now!!!! here i was sweatin… thinking i was gonna get a B… and all the while homegirl was threatening me with an A- ... “It’s not an A paper.” ... yeah, it’s an A-... MAN!!! save that drama and built up suspense and anxiety for someone who CARES about a minus.

it’s not a B! so what do i care that it’s an A-???

Man… i laughed myself down the hallway. You best believe i’ll begin my legal research ASAP as I wait for my degree to be mailed to me. MSW, MPA.. finally!

And, just so you know i’m balanced… this one doesn’t make it any better.

Now, some folks were able to discern that it’s a black woman.
i could not. Is it the shoes in the second ad? The lack of “gangsta grill” or visible handgun that ensures she’s female? I don’t know… however - the entire ad campaign disturbs me.

The last thing I wanna see, or hear about seeing up on a billboard in Manhattan, is something as blatantly stupid as this. Whether there’s truly any “offensive racial intent” or not… it’s simply bad taste.

Just note the imagery and lack thereof in the ads… you can see 100% of the white woman… each time… and nothing but the black woman’s attempt at buckwheat 2006… shrouded in white. But at least she’s not ashy… although she may as well be. wearin somebody’s bootleg lookin dickies outfit. She can’t have a sleek black suit too?

See?
Messages?! Underlying tones?!
All for a portable game system?!
C’mon SONY, you can do better.

If you’re going to have two women “fighting” make it serena and venus, in black and white… not a white woman in upgraded kkk prada fashion. Or have Halle Berry as “Storm” bringing in a blizzard or something… or even the Dominican girl who put a hurtin’ on Storm… anything but what this is.

Now, folks… If you’ve got the nerve - Call Sony.
They’ll expect black folk to be upset about it.
It’s some of the hopefully conscious non-black folk who may add more weight in this effort that also should get involved.

Here’s the contact info:
CORPORATE OFFICES
Sony Computer Entertainment America
PO Box 5888
San Mateo, CA 94402-0888
800-345-7669 (800-345-SONY)
M-SAT 6:00 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. PST
Sunday 7:00 a.m. 6:30 p.m